


Fog of Despair

by LadyStarwing



Category: Persona 3
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-17 20:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2322650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyStarwing/pseuds/LadyStarwing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The human mind can only take so much before any hope is overcome by despair. [Shinjiro-centric. WARNING. THIS WILL COVER SUICIDAL DEPRESSION AND TOPICS RELATED TO SUCH. Events will eventually continue on through P4G]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Incertus

 

_He was only aware of everything going scarlet._

_Coming to was painful; he had been knocked away about twelve feet, and he could see the Evoker he was used had been broken in half somehow. What had … happened? He had just seen Mami's face in his mind's eye, and then, nothing. Pushing himself upright was even more painful, and it felt like something was trying to claw at his brain from the inside out. 'what the hell...?'_

_One of his hands hit something wet. Freezing, pale grey eyes dared to look as he lifted the hand up to see. The entire palm was scarlet red, and it wasn't just a trick of the Dark Hour's lighting._

_**'No.'** _

_his body began trembling as he looked to where his hand had landed, spotting a pool of the liquid that stretched out from beneath where a house had once stood._

' _ **Oh god, no …'**_

_No, this wasn't happening._

**-Monster. Liar.-**

_He was moving – crawling? Walking? He couldn't tell – towards where he guessed the scarlet sea had formed from. He could see a small boy nearby, unconscious but unharmed, so it wasn't him._

_That only left …_

**-You killed her.-**

_He hadn't …_

_Stumbling back a few feet when his fears were confirmed real, both hands flew to his face, forgetting the fact that one of them was red from what he had done. 'No. no nonononononononono ….' Static was filling his thoughts, part of his mind shutting off as he did his best to try and keep what part of his sanity he could reach from shattering, to no avail. Castor had retreated, panic and pain and other indescribable emotions radiating from the summon as he felt his mind break, that voice from before coming back._

_**-Murderer-** _

* * *

 

A scream tore at Shinjiro’s throat, making him jerk awake with a pained cry. His heart was pounding against his ribs, echoing in his ears as he panted, trying to regain his sense of self. All his mind’s eye was showing him was the crimson destruction from that night, some twisted form of memory making the color all the brighter than it had any right to be.

The sound of his phone’s alarm going off shook him out of it.

Sighing, the brunet fell back onto his mattress, deciding to ignore the obnoxious piece of technology; it would shut off in a few minutes. It was another rainy July day, a faint rumble of thunder overhead as well. He could just faintly hear the rest of the dorm’s residents waking up and getting ready for the last day of school before summer break, but any motivation he had for getting up had been stolen by the abrupt awakening he had received. Maybe Akihiko would be too much in a rush to try and get him …

He buried his face in his pillow, body heavy. He’d slept what? Two hours, three tops? And of course it would end in a night terror, wasn’t that just his luck. It wasn’t even close to October, and yet his guilty conscience had decided to deprive him of sleep anyway. It had been merciful around Katsuro’s birthday earlier in the month, but now it seemed like it was time to pay up for a few days of relative normalcy.

‘Fuck everything, I don’t want to get up anymore …’ A heavy sigh left Shinjiro again, arms wrapping around the pillow he was all but smothering himself with. He’d left S.E.E.S, yes, but Mitsuru had all but forced him to remain at the dorm. She seemed to notice that things had gone wrong with his mental state, but her poor people skills kept her from doing much else to help.

At least the sentiment was nice.

“Hey, Shinji, you up?”

And there was Akihiko. Burrowing further into the pillow to keep from making a responding noise, Shinjiro forced himself to remain still, not wanting his best friend to try and get him up. It wasn’t worth it, not anymore. Even if he did manage to get to school without collapsing from sleep deprivation, he’d be unconscious and nightmare plagued on campus. Campus was a lot larger, he’d be harder to keep track of there …

“Shinji?” Another knock came a few minutes later, Akihiko’s voice carrying a level of worry in it. “Come on, it’s the last day before summer break. You made it through finals alright, I’m sure you can make it through today too.”

The urge to just say “go away” had never been stronger, but Shinjiro knew that making a single sound would cue Akihiko in on the fact that he was conscious. That would lead to him being bodily dragged to school, which meant less places to hide when his mind decided he needed to remind him of how dangerous he was, which meant nobody to stop him if he tried to –

His hand reached out, grabbing for the old plush toy he kept nearby. The feeling of velvet and faux fur beneath his fingers gave him a mental anchor, temporarily bringing him out of his dark thoughts. Akihiko seemed to have given up trying to rouse him, however, as he heard a quiet “I’ll see you later” being accompanied by footsteps walking away from his door. Body relaxing, Shinjiro pulled the plush towards him, tired grey eyes focusing on the homemade Pocket Monster.

“Happy birthday Shinji. Love, Mami.” Shinjiro mumbled, eyes saddening as he read the yellow ribbon the Absol had tied around its neck. His voice stayed quiet, sighing and hugging the old toy close. “Haven’t had many happy birthday’s recently.” He commented bitterly, fingers rubbing through the faux fur.

A small part of him was debating getting up after a while anyway. Maybe a walk would get him out of this funk, but he was just too tired to really go anywhere. Any other attempts to get more sleep would result in more night terrors, therefore depraving him of any other sleep he could possibly get …

It was a vicious, no-win situation, and Shinjiro hated it.

Sighing again, Shinjiro looked at one of his arms, grey eyes distant. He could faintly see the pale scars from earlier attempts at his life, two years previously, after that horrible night. The first attempt had been stopped by Mitsuru, and all sharp objects confiscated for weeks afterword. Any later attempts had been stopped by Castor, the stubborn Persona healing any of the cuts Shinjiro had inflicted upon himself.

The visible self-destructive actions had been stopped when Mitsuru enlisted a phone call from his grandfather. Aragaki Daichi might not have known the full story, but he was a stubborn man who was used to Shinjiro’s own stubbornness. So while Shinjiro hadn’t been trusted anywhere near the kitchen for a couple of months afterword, he hadn’t made any other attempts on his life since that week.

At least, he hadn’t consciously attempted anything.

Shivering at that, Shinjiro hugged the plush closer. At this rate, he wasn’t sure what would kill him; sleep deprivation or situational blindness? There had been times where he had wandered out into traffic, unaware of the fact that he was nearly going to get hit until he heard screeching brakes or horns. He’d caught himself at the edge of bridges and walkways as well, only stopped from doing something stupid due to Castor screeching at him from his mind.

It was starting to frighten him.

“I think I’m going crazy, Mami …” He sighed again, talking quietly to the plush he was holding. “I’m slowly going insane and I’m scared that I’m gonna do something fuckin stupid …” While no response came from the plush, Shinjiro let out a quiet sigh, watching the clock that hung up on the wall slowly tick away time, trying to see if he would get back to sleep.

He must have blacked out at some point, because the next thing Shiniro recalled was Aigis – the strange, Shadow-killing robot the others had brought back from Yakushima – knocking at his door, informing him it was half past one in the afternoon and he should not be sleeping so much. “I’m up …” he finally said with a groan, getting out of bed and setting Mami on his pillow.

Aigis didn’t seem to hear him, because the next second had the blonde robot entering his room, blue eyes locked onto him. “Aragaki-san, everyone retired to their rooms at eleven p.m. last night.” She informed him, robotic voice tinny. “Sleeping for fourteen and a half hours in one sitting is not healthy.”

“I … I didn’t sleep well last night.” Shinjiro pointed out, wondering if Aigis realized that he was just in his boxers. “That happens a lot with me.”

“Perhaps you are eating something that does not agree with your digestion?” The robot offered, clearly trying to be supportive. When Shinjiro shook his head, she frowned. “Then was it too warm in your room? Too cold?” Shinjiro shook his head twice at that, frowning. “… That is most odd … was your bed uncomfortable?”

“I have fuckin nightmares, okay?!” Shinjiro finally snapped, not in the mood to play twenty questions with a robot who looked like she had been designed by a horny teenager. “That sort of shit happens a lot with me; get outta my room so I can change!” Turning around to get clothes out of his closet, Shinjiro missed the way Aigis flinched at his tone.

“I apologize; I hope your sleep is better in the future.” She said before exiting, shutting the door behind her. Shinjiro waited until she had left before hitting his head against the wall, groaning to himself. Knowing his luck, Aigis would inform Mitsuru about his condition today, and the redhead would start hovering …

Mitsuru had enough on her plate as it was; she didn’t need to be worrying about him more on top of it all.

Getting dressed, Shinjiro looked out the window; it wasn’t raining right now, at least, and he wasn’t hungry. Perhaps getting out of the dorms and taking in some fresh air would do him a world of good. True, it meant he’d probably get yelled at by Aki for cutting class, but Shinjiro didn’t fully care at that point.

Once he was fully dressed, he grabbed his wallet and shoes, walking downstairs. Aigis was standing nearby the check-in desk, but why, he couldn’t begin to guess. “I’m going out for a bit.” Shinjiro said as he passed her, not making eye contact.

“The weather station reported that another storm will be rolling in at about three p.m.” Aigis replied, turning to look at him. “Please, return by that time or take shelter elsewhere.” Shinjiro replied with a gruff nod before heading out the door, unaware of the way Aigis watched his back with nervous blue eyes the entire time.

* * *

  
The stifling summer heat had driven most of Iwatodai’s population indoors, but Shinjiro barely noticed it. He was wandering around the city aimlessly, stopping only when a stray dog padded up to him, whining. Looking down at it, he let out a sigh; it was a female, and she looked like she was carrying puppies. “Probably starved to bits …” he muttered, kneeling down to pet her. There was a yakitori place nearby, and he looked at the dog. “Sit, okay? I’ll get you some food.” The dog’s ears perked up at that, and she opted to follow him instead of sitting, waiting patiently by a bench as he ordered extra food from the yakitori stand.

Sitting on a bench, the brunet let a quiet smile cross over his face, watching the dog eat the food she had been given. “Hehe … sorry if it’s not the best for you, but I don’t have any dog food on me right now.” He murmured, reaching out to pat the dog on the back. “Hopefully you can get somewhere safe to have puppies, eh?” The dog’s only response was to wag her tail harder, making him chuckle.

He always had a soft spot for dogs. Letting a rare smile cross his face, Shinjiro laughed when her head came to rest on his knee when she had finished eating, tail wagging as she looked at him. “Hey now, I can’t keep pets at the dorm. Otherwise yeah, I’d take you in no questions asked.” Shinjiro told her, reaching out to scratch behind an ear. She looked to be a husky of all breeds, strange in that the breed wasn’t native to Japan. The dog let out a happy bark, and continued to follow him as he decided to see what was going on at the other end of the station.

“Well would ya look at that? That’s the third time she’s approached someone, but you’re the first one to actually pay attention to ‘er.” A gruff voice spoke up, making Shinjiro pause. A Buddhist monk was seated on a bench nearby, smoking a cigar as Shinjiro turned to look at him. “She’s been here a few weeks, but she’d shy away from me whenever I tried to give her anything.”

“Huh …” Pausing, Shinjiro looked at the dog as she came to a halt at his legs. “I fed her just fine … Can’t take her back though; the dorms are pretty strict on the ‘no pet’ policy.” He sighed; a dog would probably do wonders for his mental state, and while he was certain Mitsuru would be more than willing to help him get one, it was the higher-ups he was certain wouldn’t budge. “I guess I’ll walk around town until I can find her an owner; don’t want her to die out here with puppies on the way.”

“Good on ya, lad.” The monk chuckled, putting out the cigar and offering a hand to the dog for her to sniff. “You’ve made this old man smile, and I bet Buddha’s happy too; gotta look after everyone, even skinny momma dogs.” Shinjiro resisted every urge to flinch at the mention of Buddha; he doubted that he had good karma anymore.

“Heh … I just really like dogs.” He said with a shrug, relaxing as the dog opted to stay close to his leg instead of going to the stranger. “… and it seems she likes me, but again … Can’t take her with me.” Sighing, Shinjiro looked around.

“Try the bookstore down at the end of the station; the elder couple who run it will probably love to have a dog around.” The monk nodded, withdrawing his hand when he figured the dog held no interest in him. At Shinjiro’s nod, he gave him a smile. “And do buck up, okay? It’s a nice day out right now, no need to be a bump on a log.”

“I have a lot on my mind.” Shinjiro replied with a shrug, shaking his head before offering the monk a quiet smile. “I’ll try to pick myself back up though.” After receiving a nod in response, Shinjiro kept walking, the dog at his heels.

Like the monk had suggested, the elderly couple had been delighted with the dog, who had responded to their warmth with a wagging tail and some licks. While they insisted it was no trouble, Shinjiro offered to get them dog food so they didn’t have to leave the store. He eventually talked them into it, along with a collar and a name tag for the girl – her name was apparently going to be ‘Momoko’ now. The bus ride there and back was uneventful, and it had been a relief to see the husky gleefully tuck into the bowl of food and water she now had at the back of the store. It took another fifteen minutes for him to exit the bookstore, due in part to the elderly couple just enjoying talking to him.

Momoko gave Shinjiro a sad look as he left, as if the dog was worried about him now that he was out of sight …

* * *

  
Shinjiro was on the opposite side of the city from the dorm when the thunderstorm decided to hit. Looking up when he felt the rain starting to hit him, Shinjiro let a faint smile come across his face, watching lightning arc and flash within the clouds. ‘We haven’t had a good storm like this in Iwatodai for a long time …’ He thought to himself, standing where he was and letting the rain hit him.

His common sense was yelling at him to get inside before he caught a cold, but the rest of him just didn’t want to move. Maybe, just maybe, if he stayed out here, the rain would carry him away and _something_ would let him find peace from the monster eating him up from the inside out.

As if in answer, the rain began to fall harder, soaking him thoroughly in less than a minute. Of course, the fact that he wasn’t actively trying to run for shelter probably helped, instead opting to just stare at the clouds as the storm grew worse. His common sense let him know he had gotten himself ill after about ten minutes of standing in the storm, and Shinjiro decided to make the long trek back to the dorm. Yes, it would probably make his cold worse, but he was honestly past caring.

Not shockingly, the dorm was silent when he finally returned, making a puddle on the entryway floor. The school was probably keeping students on campus until the rain slowed enough for them to go anywhere without being drenched, or at least until the lightning stopped. Shinjiro looked around once or twice, grey eyes tired, before sighing and deciding he should probably take a warm bath and change clothes before he caught pneumonia.

‘I’m shaking as it is anyway …’ Shinjiro noted to himself, alarmed by the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to care too much about it. Shuddering again as he headed up the steps, the brunet felt himself freeze when a metallic clattering came from the room across the hall from Arisato’s.

“Ah, Aragaki-san.” Aigis’s voice came from the room with its door open, the blonde poking her head out of the doorway with a box in her arms. Blue eyes studied him from her spot, frowning. “Judging by the way in which you are saturated, you didn’t heed my warning to return before the storm hit. It would be wise to change and dry yourself off before you fall ill.” About ready to open his mouth and retort that he was aware of that, Shinjiro froze, spotting what was inside of the box Aigis was carrying.

The last thing he recalled before blacking out was Castor screeching in his brain, the Persona in full defensive mode.

* * *

  
Mitsuru was swearing under her breath, running back through the rain to get to the dorm. Akihiko had sent her a text from the locker room of boxing club, saying that something had made Castor panic. ‘I knew I had forgotten to inform Aigis about _something!’_ The redhead cursed to herself, ignoring her lungs as Penthesilea did her best to try and break through to where Castor was at in the dorms. She had gotten careless, AGAIN. Before Aigis had insisted on having a room on the men’s floor, she had thought things would be fine; there was no reason for Aigis to carry live ammunition around outside of Tartarus runs, and with Shinjiro inactive until someone came up with an alternative Evoker design, there were less chances of triggering his hoplophobia.

‘Whatever reasoning she has for staying close to Arisato shouldn’t be severe enough for her to remain there!’ Mitsuru told herself, mentally calling herself seven different flavors of stupid as she slammed into the dorm’s front door, not bothering to slow down as she raced up the stairs to the second floor. Penthesilea had informed her that while Castor was active, it wasn’t rampaging, so perhaps …!

Skidding to a halt – and freezing the puddle of water underfoot to do so – Mitsuru gripped onto the edge of the wall. “AIGIS, STAND DOWN.” She ordered, having spotted the robot preparing to open fire on the black figure in front of her. Aigis’s programming prevented her from summoning a Persona outside of the Dark Hour, but that wouldn’t stop her from trying to open fire on Castor. When she saw that Aigis had indeed halted, Mitsuru took in the scene, still kicking herself.

Aigis was confined to her room, a box of ammunition on the ground in front of her. While she wasn’t attacking, the blonde still had her weapons aimed at a large, armor-clad, skeletal horse that was blocking her movement, the rider that normally signified Castor missing. What concerned Mitsuru, however, was the fact that the horse’s mane and tail – normally the same blue fire that heralded a Persona’s summoning – was instead black and red, a gold glow burning deep in the formerly empty eye sockets.

Shinjiro himself, however, was huddled on the floor by his room, curled up in a ball. He looked like he had tried to bathe while still clothed, hands in his hair as the red and black aura circled around him. Mitsuru bit her lip, trying to figure out how best to diffuse the situation before it wound up with Aigis being sent through a wall. Eventually deciding, the redhead stalked forward, pointing at the ammunition box. “Get that sealed and back into your quarters, and then shut the door.” She told Aigis, fighting to keep her voice level. “Shinjiro’s hoplophobic; I had meant to inform you sooner, but things got busy …” Aigis stared at her for a moment before nodding, moving to do as she was ordered despite keeping both of her eyes focused on the skeletal horse in front of her.

To Mitsuru’s relief, the horse didn’t lunge or lash out, but it did turn its armored head to keep at least one golden eye on Aigis at all times as she continued to push the ammunition out of sight beneath her bed. The glare remained as the blonde approached the door, Aigis turning to Mitsuru as she grasped it. “Archives inform me that hoplophobia is a fear of guns, but I do not understand; my firearm extensions are not operable, so wh –“ Jerking away a fraction, Aigis’s eyes went wide as the horse’s jaws snapped where her face had been seconds ago, the fire flaring brighter.

“It is not my place to share Shinjiro’s life story, Aigis.” Mitsuru replied, fighting to keep her voice firm. “It is suffice enough to say that he cannot be around firearms of any sort until further notice, not even Evokers.” Sighing, she brushed her hair out of her face. “Go and finish unpacking, Aigis; I can take care of Shinjiro.” Waiting until Aigis had nodded and shut her door, Mitsuru let out a sigh and hit the wall; she kept being reckless …

Shifting so she was on her knees, the redhead reached a hand out to grip Shinjiro’s shoulder, Penthesilea reaching out as well; while she might have been better suited for combat, Mitsuru’s Persona still had a connection through to Castor. Much to her relief, the main Persona responded at the touch, having kept to Shinjiro’s psyche to preserve some sort of mental barrier as far as Mitsuru could tell. “Shinjiro, Aigis isn’t in sight anymore.” She said, keeping her voice gentle. “Shinjiro.”

A tense moment passed before the red and black fire flickered out, Castor’s presence relaxing now that the threat wasn’t present. Glancing up, Mitsuru watched the fire around the horse turn back to blue before it vanished completely, Shinjiro letting out a shuddery breath under her hand. Relieved that he was coming to, the redhead gently pulled him upright, steering him into his room and kicking the door shut behind them, not in the mood to risk anyone else walking by.

Getting Shinjiro to sit down in his desk chair, Mitsuru’s eyes scanned about, trying to find the plush Daichi had mentioned the last time she spoke to him on the phone. Finding it on the bed, she grabbed it, hurriedly pushing it into Shinjiro’s hands. He seemed to wake up more at that, his breath coming far more regularly. His eyes, formerly shrunk from fear, began to dilate again, tremors racing up and down the large brunet’s body as he seemed to fully come to.

“How … how long …?” His voice was shaky as he seemed to come back to the real world, hands gripping onto the plush. Mitsuru didn’t respond, opting instead to hug him around the shoulders.

“About ten minutes, thereabouts.” She said after a moment. “Akihiko warned me when you had locked up, so I ran here from the dorms … I’m so, so sorry … Everything’s just been so crazy right now, I … I meant to tell her.” Her own body was shaking now, fighting off crying. “I meant to tell _you._ Active fighter or not, you still live here, and I had planned to warn you …”

“it’s not your fault.” Shinjiro shook his head, voice tiny. “I just should’ve stayed outside longer … or gone straight to take a bath.” As if to emphasize the statement, he sneezed, letting a violent shudder go through his body. Mitsuru frowned and hugged him tighter.

“Go do so, now.” She said after a moment, giving him a squeeze. Shinjiro didn’t respond, however, making the redhead panic. “… Shinjiro?”

“… Maybe I should just go …” Shinjiro’s voice was quiet. “I … I’m just in the way.”

“It’s not like that at all!” Mitsuru shook her head. “Y-you’re not in the way, not in the least! I – it’s just … They’re working on developing an alternate Evoker, it’s just –”

“No, really … it’s okay.” Shinjiro’s hands reached up and gently gripped her wrists, making her let go. Mitsuru looked at him as Shinjiro stood up, something oddly distant in his grey eyes. “… I’ll call Daichi after my bath; I dunno when he’ll be able to come get me though …”

“Shinjiro …” Mitsuru wanted to protest, amber eyes pleading. She didn’t want one of her closest friends to leave, not like this. Any attempts at trying to find him help of some sort, a therapist, just _something_ … Nothing had helped. Even checking with the Chairman had turned up no leads as to a therapist who knew of the Dark Hour. If they could just _find_ one … if they could just find someone for Shinjiro to talk to … If Arisato wasn’t so distant, she would have asked the field leader, but she didn’t fully know how well the other teen would handle this level of stress.

“Mitsuru, please …” His voice was pained, making her stop and look at him. “… Let me get out. Before I go absolutely nuts and attack someone else …” The utter pain in Shinjiro’s voice made Mitsuru sob a bit, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug.

“… Okay. I just … okay …” She whispered, flinching a bit from how clammy his skin was. “I’ll keep Akihiko from losing his temper … Just … just get better. Promise me you’ll get better.”

“I will.” Shinjiro’s voice was quiet, giving Mitsuru a tight hug before pulling away. “.. I’ll go get warmed up, then.” Nodding, the redhead left the room, slowly heading upstairs to her bedroom; she needed to get out of her own wet clothes, after all. The faint sound of the dorm’s door opening with an explosion of sound announced the rest of the group heading home; she still had some time to figure out how to tell Akihiko …

Reaching her room, however, only led to her flopping onto her bed once she had gotten out of her wet clothing. Pangs of guilt hit her, and she buried her face in a pillow to try and calm herself down. True, the only reason Mitsuru had even shown the gun-shaped evoker was due to not knowing how else to recruit Akihiko, but she hasn’t thought about how anyone else would react. Even with Shinjiro pointing out it had been his fault for not telling her about his hoplophobia to begin with, she still felt horrible.

All she could do now is sit on her hands and support him … somehow.

* * *

  
The hot bath did wonders for Shinjiro’s frazzled nerves, the large male not fully wanting to leave the water. Sighing, he sank in further, keeping the bare minimum he needed to breathe above water as the heat and steam sank into his skin. He would have to call Daichi when he got out, and somehow avoid Akihiko until he was able to move out. ‘He … he wouldn’t get it.’ Shinjiro gave a sad sigh, grey eyes focusing on nothing. ‘Aki … he really does mean well, but he’s a bit of a numskull socially. To understate it.’

Shinjiro cared for his best friend, more than Akihiko probably realized, but Akihiko hadn’t handled the events of Shinjiro’s accident all that well. While he understood on some level why Shinjiro wasn’t fighting, he didn’t quite seem to grasp how heavily the accident weighed on Shinjiro’s very being. ‘He’d take my leaving to preserve my sanity as running away, knowing Aki …’ Doing his best to chase away the bitter thought, he glanced at the clock. “… I should make that call now, then. He’s still gonna be in boxing club …” Pulling himself out of the water, Shinjiro got himself dried off and drained the tub, opting to just grab his phone from the small bin he had put it in, the rest of his clothes thrown into a dryer nearby.

Sitting down on a stool, Shinjiro bit his lip as he scrolled through the contacts, a towel on top of his wet hair. He was dry, but staying in the heat would probably be best for now. Finding his grandfather, Shinjiro drew a deep breath, thanking whatever force decided to grant him some mercy; Daichi knew of the accident, knew of Personas and The Dark Hour … he didn’t have to hide anything from Daichi.

The phone rang twice before it was picked up, making Shinjiro bite his lip as his grandfather’s stern voice reached his ears.

_[What’s wrong?]_

A dam broke inside of Shinjiro at the simple question, and it took all of his will power to keep from sobbing while talking to his grandfather. “I …” He began not liking the way his voice choked.

_[Shinjiro?]_

Swallowing and gripping his knee to keep himself calm, he drew a shaky breath. “I … I need out.” He whispered. “I need out of Iwatodai …I keep going insane … the nightmares are getting worse and worse … I can barely sleep.”

[ _Not even Mami is helping?]_ Daichi’s tone seemed to switch from stern to concerned in an instant, and if Shinjiro knew his grandfather, he had gotten up to pace, or stopped whatever he had been doing previously to focus entirely on what Shinjiro was saying. [ _I know that you said for certain that you had stopped fighting, hoping that would help your situation.]_

“It did … a little.” Shinjiro sighed, leaning backwards a fraction on the stool he was sitting on. “But … it's been two years, and I haven't been able to adjust at all … my brain just won't let it go.”

_[I see …]_ A tired sigh seemed to leave Daichi. _[I've asked Asami to see if she or any of her former coworkers know of a therapist who's aware of Shadows and Personae, but I haven't heard any word. The only other option I could think of is Yuuna, but …]_

“I doubt she knows what's going on with the Dark Hour at all.” Shinjiro shook his head, wincing. “I haven't told her about it, and I don't think Katsu has either.” A part of Shinjiro's brain was kicking himself; if he _had_ told Yuuna, he was certain that she would have let him stay with her, even when she was busy with her job. Hearing that Asami was looking around didn't surprise him though; both of his aunts tended to worry over everyone else in the family.

_[Honestly I'd be more surprised if your older brother **didn't** tell her. Katsuro isn't exactly one to keep his mouth shut.] _ Daichi commented drily; Shinjiro knew that if he had been in a better frame of mind, he would have laughed at how true his grandfather's statement was. A moment of silence passed before Daichi resumed talking. _[… I should be able to come get you tomorrow; the paperwork to deal with Gekkoukan will have to be handled later, but I wager severe mental illness is a reasonable enough clause for you withdrawing.]_

“If it's not I wager Mitsuru will crack some skulls open.” Shinjiro shook his head, sighing again. “But … Okay. I should be good for the night … hopefully.”

_[Get whatever you want to take with you packed up before you get to bed; I will most likely be there around ten in the morning to come get you.]_ Daichi continued, waiting until Shinjiro gave him an understanding noise before letting out a sigh. [… _I'm sorry I can't physically do much more to help. I'll see you tomorrow.]_

“Every bit helps ...” Shinjiro replied, waiting until he heard the dialtone on the other end before shutting his phone and sighing, looking at the fogged up mirror. The heat and steam were doing wonders for him, chasing the last of the chills away; maybe he could take a dip in an onsen when he was back in Inaba, if only to further chase off the chances of a cold. He wasn't feeling ill right now, but he wasn't one for taking many chances.

However, Shinjiro wagered he should at least get out of there and have something to eat, or pack, or something. One of the other guys in the dorm might want to shower, after all … Getting dressed as quietly as he possibly could, Shinjiro walked out of the shower, pulling his hair back into a low ponytail; it was still damp, and he didn't want to get the shoulders of his shirt wet. Lingering on the top of the stairs for a moment, Shinjiro decided that it would probably be best to get his things packed up first, so he could go to bed after eating something. With the plan in mind, he headed downstairs, praying that he wouldn't run into anyone else on the way down.

* * *

  
Shinjiro had made it to his room in peace, and was halfway through packing up his clothes when the door to his room was knocked open. Panicked, he yelped, only to go rigid when he realized someone was hugging him around the shoulders. It took his brain a few seconds to register the newcomer as Akihiko, and even then, he remained stiff until his best friend let go of him.

When Akihiko pulled away, Shinjiro could see the well-hidden panic in his best friend's silver eyes, frowning. “You feeling okay, Shinji?” He asked, voice laced with enough genuine concern that it kept the brunet from snapping at him. There was still an internal flinch and growl, one buried deep in the back of Shinjiro's mind at just how _clueless_ his best friend could be at times.

“I hope so.” He replied instead, going back to his packing. Akihiko noticed this as well, a current of shock going through him.

“... Why are you packing?!” The silver-haired teen asked, a level of panic going through him. Another bitter growl echoed in the back of Shinjiro's brain, making him bite his lip to keep quiet; did Akihiko _really_ need to ask something so glaringly obvious?! “Shinji, what's going on?” Akihiko repeated, voice going from panicked to firm.

Shinjiro looked away at that, focusing on the rain-streaked window as he answered. “Daichi's coming to get me tomorrow. I'll … be going back to Inaba for a while, Aki ...” He kept his voice quiet, mentally bracing himself for the explosion of confusion that he _knew_ was coming; it was a side effect of knowing Akihiko for more or less his entire life.

“W-what?!”

There it was.

Shinjiro didn't need to turn around to know what the look on Akihiko's face was probably like; shock, anger, confusion … what Shinjiro had just told him was flying in the face of Akihiko's normal thought process, the mindset that had buoyed the stubborn male through most of his life. Standing up to problems and fighting them down tooth and nail was Akihiko's preferred strategy, and while normally Shinjiro's mind went along a similar track, this was simply a matter that was too much for him to handle like that.

Especially not if he remained here …

“How long do you think you'll be gone?” Shinjiro responded to the question with a shrug, still looking out the window; it looked like another storm would be rolling in at some point that evening. Akihiko's only response was to scowl, and Shinjiro knew he was doing so without having to turn his head to look. “B-but why?”

“I've been going crazy, Aki.” Shinjiro replied, voice still quiet and tired. “I just saw the bullets the robot was usin and flipped out … I'm normally nowhere near _that_ fuckin bad with guns.” Putting the shirt he had been in the middle of folding down on the bed, he let a heavy sigh leave him. “... I just want to get out of here before I hurt someone worse ...”

“So you're running away?!”

If his head had been screwed on right, Shinjiro would have just ignored what Akihiko had said. His best friend didn't know any other way to handle problems than by punching them, didn't realize that it wasn't something that worked with _every_ problem, and had said it to the one person who had ever been able to get such social cues through his head.

As it was, though, Shinjiro's body moved before he could stop it, and he had backhanded Akihiko in the mouth a second after he heard the statement.

“Why th fuck do you think _everything_ can be solved by punching things, you meathead?!” he countered, finally turning to look at his best friend for the first time since they had started talking that night. Akihiko didn't respond, having been knocked back a few inches, his lower lip split and bleeding. “So fuckin sue me for wanting to leave before I completely lost my mind! I don't _care_ if I'm running away; I'm going _insane_ just staying here!”

“But do you really think leaving will help your situation any!?” Akihiko finally countered, ignoring the split lip as he reached forward to grab the collar of Shinjiro's shirt.

“Staying here sure ain't helping!” The brunet retorted in turn, wrenching Akihiko's arm off of him and shoving him away again. “If you weren't so fuckin focused on bein a meathead, you'd have noticed that!”

“I _did_ notice! You are _not_ the kind of person to stay holed up in a room like this!” The silver-haired boxer had clenched his fists, standing up; Shinjiro wagered it was his attempt at keeping some form of self control. “But running away from problems isn't going to fix them!”

“And neither is clinging to the past! You really think Miki'd be happy with you refusin' to let her pass on in peace!?” Shinjiro normally wouldn't drag Miki into this, not into an argument between him and Akihiko. Not unless they were having a less-heated debate over what had exactly happened during certain days in their childhood. The death of Akihiko's twin was just something _neither_ of them dragged into things, and it was one of only two events that they held a mutual opinion of.

Shinjiro was somewhat scared to realize he no longer cared about it.

A blinding pain laced through him a second later, and the taste of copper and iron in his mouth informed Shinjiro that Akihiko had indeed punched him for that statement. He deserved it, true, but for once he wasn't in the mood to just take it lying down. He was on his feet and hitting Akihiko back before he could register it, the other teen staggering back from the blow. Shinjiro doubted he had split the inside of Akihiko's cheek, but there would definitely be a bruise there in the morning.

“What the hell's your problem, Shinji!?” Akihiko shouted, getting his bearings; his normal calm had evaporated, replaced by a strange blend of confusion, anger and sorrow. Nothing like this had happened before, not in the fourteen years they had known one another …

“A lot of things! Right now, you're one of them!” Shinjiro no longer knew what to feel; bitterness was the most prominent, swirling and roaring inside of him like a tempest. “You and your stupid-ass tendency to just charge ahead into shit and not really think that other people don't handle things like you do!”

“And you're just as stupid for running away from everything!” Akihiko shot back, keeping over an arm's length of distance between them; if they got any closer to one another, there would be a brawl. “Nothing's going to be solved if you run away and hide!”

“Well, _fuck it_! _I NO LONGER CARE!”_ Turning around so he was facing the window, Shinjiro clenched his hands into fists, gripping until his fingernails drew blood from the palms. “Get. Out.”

“Shinji-”

“OUT!” He refused to look, knowing that Akihiko's face was most likely one of great distress at this turn. Nothing like this had happened with them before, not on this scale; every childish argument they used to have were settled with sitting apart for an hour or two to calm down. Bluntly telling the other to leave the room was something with far more weight to it, and it was not a comforting one.

“I just …” Akihiko's voice was even upset; he seemed to have finally registered that he had hit a nerve that shouldn't have been hit. When Shinjiro didn't turn at the sad voice, there was a tired, sad sigh. “... Alright...” Shinjiro still refused to turn, refused to even move until he heard his bedroom door shut and latch behind Akihiko's departure.

Biting back a choked scream that was either due to frustration or sorrow, Shinjiro kicked the dresser beside him before collapsing to his knees, fighting off every instinct telling him to break down and cry.

Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough.

 


	2. Reminiscence

Sleep, at the least, had been merciful.

When his phone's alarm went off the next morning, Shinjiro let out a tired groan, sitting up in bed. He had blacked out at some point after finishing his packing and eating a little food, but he hadn't woken up screaming at all. While blackouts didn't comfort him, he was at least grateful to have more than two hours of sleep at a time.

Putting the last of his sparse things into his suitcase after getting dressed, Shinjiro lifted his head at the sound of his door opening. When Mitsuru revealed herself in the doorway, he arched an eyebrow in mild surprise. "Daichi's not here yet?" He asked, mildly surprised.

"No, but he did call me after you didn't pick up an hour ago." Mitsuru replied, tugging on the curl that always fell over her left shoulder. "He'll be here in about a half hour … but I was wondering if you wanted breakfast before you left, since I won't be seeing you for a long period of time." It was the only thing Mitsuru could offer now, with him leaving so soon.

"Thanks, but … Dunno if I can eat much." Shinjiro sighed, rubbing his cheek where Akihiko had punched him. "Aki found out and, well … we threw punches. He cut the inside of my cheek, I gave him a split lip." It was just something that happened often with them, even if it was only in fun; Akihiko tended to forget that Shinjiro wasn't a boxer like he was.

Mitsuru sighed and placed a cool hand on the cheek he had rubbed, pushing some of Penthesilea's healing spells through to help heal the cut. "Even so, that … that wasn't right for either of you." She eventually sighed out, russet eyes closing halfway as she stared at the spot where Shinjiro used to keep a photograph of the three of them, from their first year in high school. She assumed that Shinjiro had packed it away with his other things, but it was still an ache to see it missing.

"Yeah, yeah, I know ..." Shinjiro mumbled, lifting her hand from his cheek when the cut had healed. "Thanks." Mitsuru smiled, crossing her arms across her chest to keep herself from pulling on her hair.

"It wasn't a problem, Shinjiro." She said, trying to keep her voice level. "My offer for breakfast is still open, or would you rather wait until your grandfather arrives and eat with him?"

"Knowing Daichi, he ate before leaving." The tall brunet gave a shrug, trying to keep himself from sounding upset. "... Breakfast does sound good though, but I don't know of too many places that we can get served and be back here in a half hour." To his surprise, Mitsuru's face lit up, and she tentatively reached out and grabbed his hand to tug him along.

"I know a place."

* * *

The 'place' Mitsuru spoke of was a small, modest, French-style cafe a block and a half away from the Naganaki Shrine, the sweet smell of pastries and hot chocolate lingering in the air. "I know it's not your typical morning meal, but I wagered it would be a safer bet to take you here than somewhere more crowded." The redhead explained as they sat down, blowing the steam away from her well-creamed coffee. Shinjiro gave an appreciative nod, running his finger around the edge of his milk glass.

"I feel a bit outta place, but it is nice here." He nodded, grey eyes looking over at the food selection available. It was all breading, often with sugar, chocolate, cream, or some combination thereof, but there were fresh blueberry waffles that looked appetizing. "Not too shocked that you found this place, though. It explains why I don't see you for breakfast that often."

Mitsuru gave a shy smile, staring at the tablecloth as she took a sip of her drink. "The staff here know me well enough, so I try to swing by here for coffee before I head into class for my duties." She explained, fighting back the a flush of embarrassment at how one of the cooks had asked her – in French – if she was on a date.

Putting her coffee down, Mitsuru gave Shinjiro a sad smile. "... What all do you plan to do in Inaba?" She asked, brushing her bangs out of her face. For all she had heard about the small mountain town from both Akihiko and Shinjiro, she had never been there. True, she hadn't been much of anywhere outside of Iwatodai and Yakushima, but that was neither here nor there.

"Honestly?" Shinjiro gave a small shrug, grey eyes looking at the umbrella over their table. "Probably nothing apart from trying to get better; there's next to nothing out there. It might help, it might make it worse, but it  _will_ get worse if I stay here." Grunting out a soft 'thanks' when the waiter brought them breakfast – Shinjiro had ordered the waffles that he had noticed – he ate the food quietly, not knowing what else to say.

Mitsuru took the silence well, eating her own breakfast as she rolled what he said over in her brain. She had done some poking around the family records on Personae and Persona-users, to see if this sort of thing had occurred before; nothing had turned up, so she was really groping around in the dark …

Shinjiro gave her a soft smile, knowing she was more than likely kicking herself for the lack of aid she was able to give. "It's alright. Really. Don't strain yourself."

_**-Yes, that's right. Don't make her stress her pretty little head over you.-** _

_**-You're just a worthless sack of shit. No need for them to worry about you.-** _

He froze briefly, frightened; that voice … it was one that only appeared in the worst of the nightmares, laughing at the torment that Shinjiro went through whenever such nightmares happened. What was it doing speaking  _now,_ when he was wide awake and trying to have a semi-normal morning?

_**-Normal? Haha, nothing is normal for you, shithead. Nothing ever has been.-** _

_**-Normal people don't make their own memories disappear like that, after all...-** _

Frowning, Shinjiro ignored the voice as he took another bite of food, watching the rest of the city slowly wake up. There would be kids running around soon, now that school was out for the month-long summer break. "So what are you guys going to do over break?" He asked, curious as to what Mitsuru had planned for everyone else at the dorm in his absence.

"Nothing too different from normal." The redhead said with a small shrug. "Although … going from some of the test scores that a few of the juniors received on their finals, I might look into signing them up for that week of summer classes."

Shinjiro could have sworn he could hear Iori's anguished screaming in his head.

"Well, I bet they'll be thrilled." He commented drily instead, finishing off his food. "Then again, it's kinda hard to balance school work and shit with Tartarus; the juniors haven't been doin this shit as long as you and Aki have." Shinjiro excluded himself on purpose; true, he had joined shortly after Akihiko had, but he hadn't been an active fighter for the past two years …

"This is true, yes." Mitsuru nodded her head in admittance to that. "I'm honestly impressed Takeba's been doing as well as she has, seeing as how she has archery club on top of school and Tartarus." Shinjiro gave an absent nod at that, pulling out his watch to check the time. Mitsuru gave him a wry smile. "I take that as the sign the two of us need to return, then?" She asked, standing up and leaving the money to cover both of their meals.

Shinjiro grunted in response, standing up with a nod. "Yeah … knowing Daichi, he'll be there when we get back." It was just the way Shinjiro's grandfather was; impossibly punctual and deathly serious, to the point where Shinjiro himself seemed almost as big a class clown as Iori was normally. "He won't be mad if we mention that we were having breakfast ..."

"And I suppose that if I had gotten lost sooner, I might have been able to join you."

It took all of Shinjiro's self control not to laugh at the way Mitsuru jumped a foot in the air at the new voice. True, he had been started as well, but at the same time he was used to Daichi appearing out of nowhere like that. 'Figures he'd get lost; he's not used to the layout of a city like this ..' Shinjiro told himself, turning to look behind him. Aragaki Daichi stood there, further explaining Mitsuru's reaction; if it weren't for the difference in eye color and the sheer age difference, the two could have passed for siblings. "Hey." He said in greeting, standing up to talk with his grandfather. "Sorry we weren't at the dorm; Mitsuru asked me out to breakfast."

Daichi gave a nod in understanding, his odd pink eyes glancing at Mitsuru. "It's fine." He said, nodding in a polite greeting to the redhead. "I expected you to have something to eat before we leave. It's a bit of a train ride back to Inaba." When Shinjiro gave an agreeing noise in response, his eyes softened. "... Are your things packed? There's some time before we would need to leave for the station if you wanted to say goodbye to friends."

_**-Like a shitstain like you has friends.-** _

Shinjiro bit back the urge to wince as the voice spoke up again. "Nah … it's okay." He said with a tired sigh, shaking his head. "Didn't really talk to much anyone besides Mitsuru and Aki … and I don't think I wanna see Aki right now." The frown Daichi gave the teen at that made him blink, only to stop when his grandfather gripped his chin to look at his face.

"Judging by the fact that your right cheek is slightly swollen, I'd say that would be a wise choice." The older man said with a frown, letting go of Shinjiro's chin as the teenager winced; Daichi had always had that extra bit of insight to him, so of  _course_ he would notice the slug to the jaw. Letting the silence linger for a moment, Daichi gave a nod. "Then we should retrieve your things and go; perhaps it'll be easier for you to settle back into Inaba this way."

"Fair enough." Nodding, Shinjiro stepped forward to lead the way to the dorm, Mitsuru at his side. Turning to her, he gave her a tired smile. "... Sorry to be leaving like this ..." He muttered, glancing downward. "... I hope shit goes well for you guys."

"It shouldn't be too difficult." Mitsuru reassured him with a soft smile, russet eyes meeting his steel grey ones. "Just focus on getting better, alright?" She didn't want to imagine what it would be like if the situation deteriorated, not if the day before was any indication of what could potentially happen if it did.

Shinjiro just responded with a wry smile, resisting the urge to make a depreciating jab at himself at her statement. "Heh … it'll take a while ..." H tapered off, shaking his head. "Who knows how long exactly, but it'll definitely take a while ..."

"Good thing you have patience … when you choose to use it." Daichi commented from behind them, making Shinjiro roll his eyes. He didn't retort, however; it was impossible to argue with his grandfather, let alone retort to a true statement like that. Mitsuru seemed at least partially amused by the exchange, making Shinjiro smile back awkwardly.

_**-'It'll take a while', you say? Understatement of the fucking millennium. Lying to make other people ignore you isn't smart you-** _

The voice's taunting was cut off in its tracks, nearly making Shinjiro halt in his steps as the sound of a snorting horse echoed inside of his skull. He did have to search briefly before he realized that it was Castor putting up some small form of protest, even if he doubted the Persona could hold it up for long.

'Still … at least it's been keeping me alive and going.' The brunet thought to himself as they neared the dorms. 'Didn't think a passive regeneration would do so much to help.' He had first noticed it during one of the later attempts at his own life, seeing that any damage inflicted would mend itself faster than it should. It still took a while, but Castor was smart; it went for the vitals first, such as severed veins or internal bleeding, before the skin. 'I'd probably have to shoot my brain out for it to be too fast for it to -' He stomped the thought out as fast as it solidified in his head, biting the inside of his uninjured cheek as they reached the dorm.

He let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding when it became clear that the dorms were deserted. That meant there was a good chance he could get out of the dorm with a very low chance of running into Akihiko; it might just end in another fight and another busted cheek. Letting the tension seep out of his body when he reached his room, Shinjiro sighed before walking to the bed, lifting up the mattress to reveal one of the few things he could recall from that horrid night.

Whatever had happened in his blackout had caused his Evoker to shatter, broken beyond repair. He had salvaged the largest of the fragments in his delirious state, the steel razor sharp at the broken edges as he picked it up carefully. Tracing his thumb over the remaining piece of what was once a bold 'E', the brunet sighed and tucked it into his pocket before letting the mattress drop. It was probably ill-wishing to keep such a terrible memento, but his brain refused to let it completely go.

'I can't forget … not this. I can't forget and let it happen again.' Shinjiro told himself before reaching out to grab Mami from her spot on the bed. The slight weight of the plush in his hand sent a small wave of relief through him, and he gave the toy a quick squeeze as he brought it up to his face. He hadn't packed Mami away the night before, hoping it would help with the night terrors, and he was even more reluctant to put her in with the rest of his baggage.

'Maybe I could just stick her in a pocket …' He thought, looking at the thinner jacket he wore in summertime. 'She should be able to fit in there.' There was no way in any level of hell that the plush was going in a box, not in his mental state. Looking between the toy and his jacket, he walked over to the latter to judge how big the pockets were. After a quick test, Shinjiro smiled to himself; Mami fit inside a pocket almost perfectly, even when he tugged the jacket on.

Once he had the jacket settled settled, Shinjiro grabbed the suitcase and began walking downstairs, locking the door behind him. 'No use leaving it open, after all.' He thought to himself, keeping the key in hand as he reached the first floor. Mitsuru and Daichi stood there talking, the elder holding a cup of coffee Shinjiro wagered Mitsuru and made for him. Clearing his throat to let them know he was there, he walked forward, making Mitsuru turn to him with a sad smile on her face, eyes looking down at the suitcase as he sat it down on the floor. "Well, I suppose I shouldn't waste time on long goodbyes, now should I?"

Shinjiro let out a soft sigh at the comment before tugging her into a one-armed hug. "Take care, alright?" He muttered into her hair, feeling the weight of her arms circle around his waist. "Make sure Aki doesn't put too much protein on his food; he's sneaky about it." Mitsuru didn't respond directly, her head hitting Shinjiro's shoulder.

"Have a good train ride." She said instead, voice struggling to remain level. "I'll try and come visit, if I ever get the time." Pulling away, the redhead gave Shinjiro a shaky smile before nodding. Taking that as a farewell, Shinjiro nodded back before looking at Daichi, a hand slipping into the pocket he had stored Mami in. the elder gave a nod, finishing his coffee and returning the mug to the sink. Shinjiro followed his grandfather out the door quietly, focusing on the ground as he the door shut behind him.

* * *

It was a quiet walk to the train station, and even quieter when they had boarded and seated themselves. Resting against the cool glass of the window, Shinjiro watched as the train began to pick up speed, heading towards Yasoinaba station. Daichi had opened up a newspaper to read for the ride, which suited Shinjiro fine; he wasn't ready to talk about the seriousness of the situation in public. Looking out the window, he felt his breath evening out as the grays of the city began to turn into green country, mountains in the distance.

The soft weight of Mami against his hip made him sigh mentally, giving the toy in his pocket a gentle squeeze. He wondered how things would be if the girl who had made the toy for him was still alive. How different would things be now? Shinjiro reckoned that he would have still gone to Gekkoukan, to make sure that Akihiko wasn't in over his head with SEES, but perhaps he could have brought Mami herself along with him. At the least, her alive would mean he didn't have such a knee-jerk reaction to the way Evokers were shaped …

_**-Oh sure, blame the dead girl for your mental fuckups.-** _

Shinjiro scowled at the voice, giving Mami another squeeze. 'Considering the way she died, I'd be more worried if I  _didn't_ have some sort of mental issues from it.' He shot back, repressing the shudder that went through his body at the thought. He still couldn't sleep with a closet door open, half-afraid that he'd look over and see his old friend like she had been that day, huddled in a dark corner, bleeding out … He jerked at that, shaking a bit in his seat.

No.

He didn't need to drag up those memories  _now_ , on a train … Sighing, Shinjiro let his head hit the window again, fingers gripping as tight as they dared onto Mami within his pocket. Giving the toy her name was one of the few things he could do, even though he was all but positive there would be people out there who claimed it wasn't healthy. It was some sort of comfort to him, at least … that was what mattered.

The rhythmic sound of the train tracks beneath him slowly began to lull Shinjiro to sleep, breathing easing as his eyelids slid shut.

* * *

_A soft giggling sound hit Shinjiro's ears as he came to, somewhere in the forest around Inaba. He knew it was there, he recognized the layout … Looking around, he began to walk, keeping a hand on the trees next to him. The landscape seemed to fade out after a kilometer or two, from what he could tell, but the sound of the giggling coming from nearby distracted him._

_He … he knew that voice._

" _Mami?"_

_Curiosity took over, and Shinjiro began to look around more. He couldn't see her, but Shinjiro knew it was his old friend's laugh; he'd heard it enough to recognize it in an instant, but now he just had to locate her … Grey eyes began to look about in earnest, the sound of leaves crunching underfoot._

_A flash of denim in the corner of his left eye made him turn, somewhere between annoyed and amused. "Mami, don't you think it's an odd time to play hide and seek?" Shinjiro couldn't keep the amusement from his voice as he spoke, a small part of his body relaxing and deciding that, for once, a pleasant dream wasn't bad._

_More of Mami's outfit seemed to solidify, her familiar side ponytail now appearing along with the rest of her familiar denim jumper. "Slow butt~ Shinji's a slow butt~" He heard her tease, voice full of giggles that made Shinjiro smile as he started to jog. More and more of the girl began to appear as he tried to grab her arm playfully, not a glimpse of blood on her._

_He finally got close enough to grab Mami's arm, ready to playfully tackle and tickle his old friend. Reaching out, Shinjiro went to grip Mami's shoulder … only for her to vanish, the familiar yellow ribbon drifting to floor as the white and brown Absol appeared instead, darting forward. "?!" Confusion raced over Shinjiro's face, grabbing the ribbon as he followed the creature._

_It lead him out of the forest, towards what looked like blank canvas. Static from the television began to blur Shinjiro's vision soon after, and despite how hard he tried to focus on the creature, it was becoming harder and harder to follow it._

_-Ha... … na get b... I know it wi...wing me, got it?-_

_A voice, Mami's voice, but what she was saying was being horribly broken up by whatever was causing the static. "Mami … Slow down … I can't ..." Shinjiro panted, feeling exhaustion beginning to grip his lungs. "I … Mami!"_

_Something grabbed his leg, tripping him up and making him hit the ground with a shout. The static grew stronger, nearly to the point of obscuring his vision. He almost didn't see the white beast stop, shouting when it saw him fall._

_-Hey! Do... … … nd! Hold on, I ca... … hang on! You …... yourself!-_

_Struggling to pull away from the thing, Shinjiro tried to find something, anything, to try and beat at whatever was tugging on him, but the static and white noise was driving him to blacking out. "Help ..." The cry was weak, even to him, now unable to even see the Pocket Monster as it tried to charge to him._

_-SHINJIII!-_

_Anything else was cut out as the static and white noise finally overtook his senses. With a tired sigh, Shinjiro stopped fighting._

* * *

Daichi shaking his shoulder roused Shinjiro a moment later, making him shake his head as he came to. "We're at Inaba already?" He mumbled, shaking his head in confusion as he looked around.

"Almost. You've been asleep more or less the entire trip." Daichi said with a nod, a worried frown over his face. "You didn't even stir when I shook you to see if you wanted food. You're normally not such a deep sleeper, but I let you be since it didn't seem to be a nightmare."

"No, it wasn't ..." Shinjiro admitted, rubbing his forehead with a sigh. "But … I don't really remember what all happened." It was almost all static, Something grabbing him from the floor, Mami's voice … Sighing again, Shinjiro shook his head; if he didn't remember it, there shouldn't be a reason for him to worry about it too much. A quick grip on the toy in his pocket brought his attention to her, running his finger around the yellow ribbon he had tied around her neck.

It had been the one Mami had always worn, turned into a birthday ribbon when she had given him the toy; she had insisted it was because they didn't have any other ribbons at her house at the time, and didn't wear a new one until she obtained a white one the day before everything went wrong. The feel of it beneath a finger made Shinjiro sigh in relief as the train rolled to a stop at Inaba station, standing up after Daichi did so.

The station was deserted when they exited the train, the others who were at the same stop having headed off to wherever they were staying in the sleepy country town. Sighing in relief as he hefted his suitcase – he wasn't in the mood to deal with people stopping and gawking at him for being back after almost six years – Shinjiro followed Daichi quietly, looking around the sleepy town. There weren't as many teenagers milling about as he remembered, the sheer boredom that staying in such a small town caused most likely driving them out to Okina City about a half-hour away.

He was relieved, however, to see that the Shopping District was almost exactly the way he remembered it. There was the Konishi Liquor Store, the old hobby shop nearby, Tatsumi Textiles proudly boasting its wares outside the doors … And the old sweet shop, Etsuko's, next door, still closed down and unoccupied. Shinjiro gave the old store a bitter smile as they passed it, grey eyes saddening. He remembered going there with Mami vividly …

Realizing that he had started to lag behind, Shinjiro jogged to catch up with his grandfather, waving at the owner of the hobby store as they neared the shrine. "Dead day." he commented to Daichi, who gave a nod and a sigh.

"Many students your age have summer jobs elsewhere, or at the Moel gas station." The elder explained, looking around. "As peaceful as Inaba is, even I can see that there's very little for a young adult to do here for fun. The younger children can at least attend the play group at the park." Stopping briefly to greet the owner of Shiroku, Daichi gave a wry smile. "There was a gang of bikers causing a ruckus at night for the past month, but they've since stopped …"

"This place probably wouldn't even be on the map if not for the Amagi Inn." Shinjiro agreed, shaking his head. "Everybody in Iwatodai would give me funny looks if I mentioned this place, because they never heard of it before. 'Nothing happens in Inaba' alright." Daichi let out a bemused snort at that, shaking his head as they stopped at Marukyu Tofu.

"I wanted to pick something up for dinner." Daichi explained, giving Shinjiro a concerned look. "I didn't want to push you if you didn't want to cook something, so I decided to err on the side of caution." Shinjiro gave his grandfather a grateful smile, but nodded all the same.

"A little something wouldn't hurt." Shinjiro admitted, rubbing one of his arms. "But if you just wanted to get some takeout tonight, I'd be good. Give me a bit of time to settle in and such." Daichi gave an understanding noise back, stepping into the tofu shop, Shinjiro lingering outside as a crow landed on the nearby garbage can.

Watching the bird, Shinjiro chuckled as it grabbed a leaf off of the can's lid, only to get smacked by a black paw. Cawing, the bird hopped a bit as a scarred fox made itself know, growling and nipping at the leaf the bird had in its beak. Shinjiro couldn't help but smile as he watched the two animals chase one another around, the fox eventually got the leaf back and darted off, heading towards the shrine as Daichi walked out.

Daichi seemed relieved to see Shinjiro relaxing as he was, waiting a moment before clearing his throat. "Come, we need to catch the bus up towards our street." He said when Shinjiro turned towards him, blinking. Comprehending his grandfather's words, Shinjiro started following him, relaxing as they reached the station in time to catch the bus.

He caught a quick glimpse of two middle-school aged girls sitting in one of the front seat, grocery bags around them. While he didn't recognize the brunet all that well, Shinjiro faintly recognized the black-haired girl as the Amagi Inn manager's daughter. 'Must have been doing an errand run' the brunet thought as he settled in next to Daichi, relaxing as the bus rolled out of the Shopping District and into the more wooded area that covered the mountain that Inaba was built around.

A few minutes of silence passed before they reached their stop, Shinjiro pausing to help the brunet girl readjust a grip she had on one of her bags. "Thanks, mister!" She called out with a laugh, grinning broadly at him despite the bandage over her nose as she scampered off. "Wai- Slow down Yukiko! I have all the heavy stuff!" She yelled after her best friend.

"This is why I said we should have taken our bicycles, Chie!" The raven-haired girl countered as she stopped, waiting for the newly dubbed 'Chie' as Shinjiro watched. A knife went through his heart at the exchange as the girls both walked off, memories of similar conversations he used to have with Akihiko racing through his head.

Daichi didn't seem to notice as they started walking towards the house, Shinjiro following him a few steps behind. There, nestled off to one side of the road in a dense patch of evergreens, was the Aragaki house. Shinjiro couldn't help but smile; his grandparents had kept the house traditional in appearance, the roof painted green to match the trees despite the white outer walls. Various birds perched on a high point of the roof as they headed in, making various noises that echoed through the house.

The inside was as large and warm as always, Shinjiro noted as he took his shoes off in the mudroom. It was, however, quiet; ever since his grandmother had passed away, it was typically just Daichi in the house. True, things tended to be loud and eventful when holidays rolled around – especially if Makoto brought her friends along – but, if only for right now, Shinjiro didn't mind the silence.

"Am I gonna be in the same room, Daichi?" Shinjiro asked as they headed in, Daichi opening up the windows as he entered the sitting room. Helping his grandfather with a rice-paper screen to the back patio – it helped keep out insects despite the breeze – Shinjiro smiled when he received a confirming nod.

"Yes, and I took care to clean it last night after your call." Daichi added, heading to the kitchen. "Go on and get settled; I'll prepare dinner tonight." Shinjiro nodded in reply, knowing Daichi couldn't see him, and headed off to the corner bedroom on the second floor. Opening the door with a soft smile, he relaxed; Daichi'd kept his word. The room looked almost identical to how it had when he had left for Iwatodai at fourteen, any dust having been cleared in his grandfather's cleaning spree the previous night.

The pictures were even in place still, making Shinjiro smile as he sat down on the large bed he'd been given . There was the large one that had been taken on his thirteenth birthday in Tokyo, his older cousin Makoto and her group of friends having 'kidnapped' him for the week of his birthday. The one next to it was of him and his older brother with their maternal aunt Yuuna, the two of them putting the other in headlocks while their aunt watched in exasperation – judging from the angle, Shinjiro figured either Makoto or Akihiko had taken the picture. Next to that one, almost hidden, was him and Akihiko in junior high, Katsuro leaning on them both in his high school uniform. Shinjiro couldn't help but smile at the sight of Aki's nose bandage, made even funnier by Katsuro's equally banged up knuckles from helping the other boys learn how to fight. Beside it in a frame was his aunt Asami and her husband Roland, their younger daughter Kaede sitting proudly on her father's shoulders with a large plush dog.

Behind all the other pictures, however, was the one Shinjiro took the most care of. Letting out a sad noise, he reached out and gripped it, taking in the sight of his father and mother. It looked like a wedding picture, but if it was or not, Shinjiro didn't remember. The family resemblance was staggering to him; he had his father's darker appearance and hair, but the sheer messiness and paler eyes were from his mother. "... I hope you two are okay, wherever you are ..." He mumbled, lying down on his back as he looked at the picture fully.

His parents had died the night of the fire. While the exact details had long since faded from Shinjiro's memory, he knew that his mother had actually never made it out of the orphanage; she had been inside trying to pull out more children. His father, upon finding out, had gone back inside to fetch her out; it was only due to Katsuro reaching out and grabbing his shirt that Shinjiro hadn't followed him.

_**-Stupid on his part, really. If you had died then, you wouldn't have fucked everything up like you did-** _

Shinjiro bit back a pained whimper as the voice returned, gripping the picture tighter. So he hadn't just been imagining it earlier. The voice from his nightmares and terrors was there, in the back of his head. He could faintly hear static in his thoughts along with it, making him whimper as he hugged the framed image close to his chest.

He wasn't about to admit that deep down, in the darkest parts of his mind, he agreed with it. So much had happened since that night, since the world he grew up knowing went up in flames, taking his memories of those days with it. It had only been through various talks with his aunts and grandparents that he knew as much as he did about those days, Katsuro usually close by to keep his spirits from turning too dark.

But then he had lost control, and cut off as many ties as he could to keep from dragging others down with him. Shinjiro still cared about his brother and cousins, more than he could really say; he didn't want them to get caught up in his mess.

_**-Yes, spare them from your stupidity and your mess. Nobody else deserves to get dragged down by your bloody hands.-** _

_**-I'm surprised they even still want to talk with you, really.-** _

_**-I suppose it's only a matter of time before they get rid of you for good.-** _

Shinjiro snarled at that, and the sound of an angry horse reverberated through his mind once again. Confusion filled him at that, blinking as he stared at the ceiling; yes, Castor had a horse, but the Persona itself was the rider, wasn't it? Pausing for a moment, the brunet let out a sigh and pushed the thought aside, looking out the window as rain clouds started to roll in with faint rumbles of thunder.

As he drifted off to sleep to the rain a few moments later, Shinjiro could have sworn he heard static coming from the small television that sat in a corner of his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little bit of calm before the storm in this chapter, mainly just getting Shinjiro to Inaba and settled in; things are only going to go downhill from here with him. Fair warning, this story's going to go through the events of Persona 4. I'll try and make the time gap bearable, since it's taking place from one character's PoV. and he's not going to be doing a while lot as is. I'll add this to the Persona 4 tag when I get there in-story. 
> 
> The dream sequence will be relevant later on too ... And I'm positive the 'voice' will be easy to figure out if you know the lore.

**Author's Note:**

> I regret absolutely nothing.
> 
> Let's do some character exploration via a massive "what if" scenario, shall we?
> 
> Basically gonna hit Shinjiro over the head and get inside his brain; the games really glossed over the mental issues he was suffering from (depression and guilt first and foremost), which is a shame. It would have been interesting to get inside the character's head to that degree, in the same way Persona 4 did with its cast. 
> 
> Also, since there's next to no backstory to Shinjiro beyond what little the game tells us (met Aki and Miki in the orphanage at 3 - will elaborate on that in the story - and that he killed Ken's mother two years before P3's events), so pretty much all of the backstory he'll be getting here is me going off of hints and ideas of my own. First and foremost, extended family that'll slowly get introduced as the story goes on, along with the hoplophobia (Fear of guns). It'll all get elaborated as I continue on with the story. 
> 
> I'll see you next chapter.


End file.
